Operation Beautiful Heart

It all started last Monday when my RA and I had a conversation about modesty. This chat quickly changed to my obsession with clothes. It got me thinking; I spend way too much time thinking about clothes. I constantly analyze outfits, hairstyles, and make up tricks. My mind is filled with a myriad of outfits that I could create. My life is clothes and the ways I can buy more and wear more. At the end of our conversation I came to the conclusion that my unhealthy obsession needed to be dealt with. Now, I know for a fact that God created me with this fiery desire to adore clothes; however, He doesn't ask me to make them a idol in my life. I've realized that I absorb more time thinking about clothes than about the God who has an unfailing love for me. He created me in the most beautiful way and I am so cherished by Him for exactly for I am. With that, who cares if every single person in the world thinks my outfits are cute?! The God of the universe knows my heart is beautiful and that's all that matters to me. He doesn't care about my new H&M skirt as much as He does for my heart. For these reasons, I've decided to fast from vanity. For this week, I am abstaining from picking out a cute outfit and sticking to t-shirts and jeans. During Monday through Friday, I am refraining from wearing make-up or doing my hair. It may not seem like a big deal but it will be a challenge for me. On top of that, I will still get up the same early time I usually do but instead of getting ready I am going to spend time with God. I love clothes and God gave me a heart for fashion for me to enjoy it, but I know I need to control my desires to live a healthier live. I want to see what it will be like to completely rely on God for my source of confidence instead of my outfits and the compliments I get from them. I'm very intrigued to see who in my life notices and how well daily without my need for comfort in clothes. I am calling my fast "Operation Beautiful Heart" and I couldn't be more excited to see the ways God molds and stretches me while I write a daily report on my blog. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair, wearing of gold jewelry, and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self. the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Day One:

I woke up this morning a little excited for my fast. Within five mintues that changed. "Why am I doing this?" I keep asking myself. I threw on jeans (this is very unusual for me and my Trade As One t-shirt) Without accessories and makeup, I checked the mirror to try to do the tangled mess some people like to call hair. Finally, after coming to the conclusion that I looked decent a lot of thoughts were running through my head. Such as, "I'm surprised how much uncute clothes I actually do own" or "there is a reason why I don't do ponytails! I feel like there is a bush tail on the back of my head."


Then I spend  the remaining couple minutes in my quiet time. Suddenly, when I walked into my living room I truly noticed the remarkable view. I bet this picture of beauty happens every morning but I never took the time to notice. The sun perfectly shined over the water and it was something I've missed out on before. After this, I read Psalm 29 which verse three reads, "The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord thunders over the mighty waters. The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is majestic." As I looked out onto my great view I took note to the way the pond was moving. The water made the most beautiful motion as the air guided its waves. For the first time, I did not take note of another girl's outfit but something more admirable than that.

Well day one has come and gone, and I must say it was harder then I thought. All day I kept thinking when I got home I could put on some makeup or do my hair. Regularly, I would forget my purpose for taking part in this. Nevertheless, some other students asked me if I was okay, some told me I was beautiful, and one said it was his first time seeing me in jeans-which is a lie but I appreciated how he noticed. I wondered how girls don't wear dresses because I felt so uncomfortable all day and I noticed more girls' outfits who were wearing sweats than dresses. It's only been day one and my attitude has not been very positive. As the week comes I pray my confidence changes because through out the whole day my confidence level was very fickle.

Also I dressed my roommate today. After I did I thought to myself, "awesome I will dress my roommate all week!" However, she caught me and said I wasn't allowed to pick out her outfit because it would be cheating.  At least, I really loved her outfit today!

Fearless

When it comes to this topic it doesn't matter how much money you make or what clothes you wear. If I've learned anything this past summer, it's that life doesn't care who you are or where you're at when it throws something your way. The past three months I've gone through the biggest changes I've ever experienced. Needless to say, I'm tired, stressed, and fearful. As time has gone past since graduation, my experience as a "real" adult haven't been ideal. Through my car accident and becoming the sickest I've ever been, I can only grow. Through being the first to pick up everything to move to a new state, I can only become stronger. Through losing what I thought was the most critical part of my life I could only learn to be resilient.

When I hit a breaking point I thought to myself, "When did I become so fearful?" I never recall letting negative thoughts creep into my life as if they were true. Just because I am moving to a new state doesn't mean life won't happen for me. It only means I can become a mature adult faster. I look at other students my age and feel sorry for some.

This may be the scariest and loneliest point in my life so far. However, my growth, strength, and resilience is turning me into the adult I'm supposed to be faster. I guaranteed I am never going to apologize for being stressed out during this time in my life. I'm discovering who I am and that's hard. With that, I'll always praise God for the people in my life who will stick by me. Friends who accept me in all circumstances while having my back when I don't seem myself. Family who support me even when I'm angry, confused, and hurt. Writing, reading, and exercising more that makes me feel healed. Church family who constantly checks in on me and tells me keep my head high. More importantly, a God who knows I am worth it. Worth it to die for and work in and around my life. I'm going to be just fine because with these things in mind I'm fearless.
As of today, I don't worry anymore. I don't worry if I'll meet the right person. I don't worry about starting my life over in Colorado. There is nothing to worry about. So with no worry comes no stress and with no stress is no fear. I'm fearless. I'll embrace every moment of loneliness, hurt, joy, pain, and praise. On top of that, this past week I really learned that even one of the most important people in your life can let you down. Even when that happens, I won't let it stop me. I have to pick myself back up and keep going. What other choice do I have? I will never let life get me down; there's no reason for it!

I'm reminded of this: "So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy." - John 16:22. My final question is this--Is that all you got? That's nothing, life! Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm fearless.

Happy Easter

I was at a brunch a couple days ago when some of the girls said to one another, "Happy Good Friday." That night the question was brought to me, "whats so good about Good Friday?" There's nothing good about it if you weren't to think about the Sunday that followed; Friday was a day of despair. How I look at the Gospels and think how much Satan must have loved this Friday. However, Sunday is God's refusal of Satan's day. The meaning behind Easter, I think I've missed before, is Jesus's suffering. "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the Devil's work" 1 John 3:8b. Easter's meaning is that the wrath of God was poured on Jesus so it wouldn't be on us. Jesus suffered the most awful death imaginable during that time so there could be a Sunday. During church this past weekend I learned a new detail about the story of Jesus that I've never truly noticed before. When Jesus came back after the resurrection he came to his disciples. Earlier one of this own stated that he wouldn't believe in Jesus if he didn't see the scars from the crucifixion himself. Suddenly, while all the disciples in a locked room Jesus appears. Yeah, that's cool walk through doors, that won't freak out anyone Jesus. Anyway, Jesus calls up Thomas and says, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." I never noticed that Jesus came back with scars. God didn't come back with his new body but with one that proved his love. When you see the scared Jesus, it makes sense. Lucky for us we have a God that gets it. That leads and loves and understands pain and has scars as well. When I put my scared hands in his; scared from pain and issues in my life, he says me too. Through the Sunday and through His scars there's healing from the Friday and any day that's knocked us down personally. God has a plan for the darkness and the meaning of Easter is that God is in control. "Finally, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus" Galatians 6:17.

My favorite verse of all time is Isaiah 53:5 "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."

The me I want to be

My biggest guilty pleasures is self help books. I adore reading other's opinion about life and maybe taking away their life lessons. At the moment I am reading a book called "The Me I Want To Be: becoming God's best version of you" by John Ortberg. I tried reading this book over the summer in my book club but I run out of time. Fast forward to last week when it looked so lonely on my bookshelf and I decided to see what it could give me insight on. Within the first couple chapters I've already learned a lot. In chapter two, the author states that "we do not drift into becoming the best version of ourselves." Then, he breaks it down into the different rivals that keep us from becoming the type of people we want to be. Here is the breakdown and my favorite quotes from each section.

The Me I Pretend To Be
"God designed us to delight in our actual lives."
"We never have to pretend with God, and genuine brokenness pleases God more than pretend spirituality."

The Me I Think I Should Be

"Comparison kills spiritual growth."
"Each one of us has a me that we think we should be, which is at odds with the me God made us to be. Sometimes letting go of that self may be a relief. Sometimes it will feel like death."
"Should is an important word for spiritual growth, but God's plan is not for you to obey him because you should even though you don't want to. He made you to want his plan for you."

The Me Other People Want Me To Be (this is the one I deal with the most)

"Everyone in your life wants you to change...everybody had an agenda for you. This is the me other people want you to be."
"If I spend my life trying to becoming that me, I will never be free. Loving people means being willing to disappoint them sometimes. Jesus loved everyone, but that means at some point he disappointed everyone. Seeking to becoming the me that other people want me to be is a hollow way to live. Nobody else can tell you exactly how to change because nobody but God knows."
"He made you to be you-and no human being in your life gets the final word on who God made you to be."

The Me I'm Afraid God Wants
"There is an enormous difference between following rules and following Jesus, because I can follow the rules without cultivating the right heart."
"Jesus did not say, 'I have come that you might follow the rules.' He said, 'I have come that you might have life, and have it with abundance.'"

The Me That Fails To Be
"Languishing is the opposite of flourishing, and it was the fear of Henry David Thoreau that 'when I came to die, I would discover that I had not lived.'"

The Me I Am Meant To Be"God wants you to grow! He created the very idea of growth...Paul said that in Christ the whole redeemed community 'grows and builds itself up in love.'"
"God designed you to flourish 'so that' you could be part of his redemptive project in ways that you otherwise could not."
"Jesus once said that with God, all things are possible, and the great thing about life with God is that your next step is always possible. That step toward God is always waiting, no matter what you have done or how you have messed up your  life. Jesus was hanging on a cross with a thief hanging next to him, and Jesus turned to him and said, 'Today you will be with me in paradise."

It was total accident that I started to read this book. At the moment, I'm reading four other books but I had a strong urge to pick up this one. To be completely honest, I deal with who I want to be. I believe this is rooted in the fact I want to make everyone in my life proud. My parents, my friends, my church leaders the list goes on. I struggle with who I want to be while trying to live up to what others tell me. I'm thankful I've discovered this problem within myself and am starting to process through it before I move out and become my own. I am really stoked to see what else the book has to offer. I want to end with a paragraph the author wrote that I thought was the most encouraging and impacted me the most.

"Even you can't tell yourself how to change, because you didn't create you. To Love someone is to desire and work toward their becoming the best version of themselves. The one person in all the universe who can do this perfectly for you is God. He had no other agenda. He had no unmet needs he is hoping you can help him with. And he knows what the best version of you looks like. He delighted in the idea of it, and he is already working on it. The apostle Paul said, 'We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.' Which means God is at work every moment to help you become his best version of you."

Eight years in counting

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 is the most famous Bible verse ever. It's on posters, quoted in all regards, and even featured on the bottom of Forever 21 bags. This verse means so much more to me than words that are constantly reprinted. Not only is it the verse that marks my faith but it marks when I was baptized. On March 16th I was baptized in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This date is so important to me because it's the anniversary of the relationship I know is the most beautiful. This March 16th will be my eight year anniversary (too bad Hallmark doesn't make cards that say 'hey congrats on loving Jesus')  I can hardly believe just eight short years ago I began the most incredible journey. Having a personal relationship with Jesus is the reason I hold this date so dear to me. I look back on the little girl I was when I was baptized in the old Central Christian building and think how much has changed since then. Since then, Central opened two more campus and remodel the mesa building while I went through several pastor changes in my youth ministry. Along with that, my relationships with my church family grew and I gained never ending support system. Through it all, the consuming, graceful love from Jesus is still the same it was eight years ago. Everyday I fail, God still loves. Everyday I live with my issues, God still shines. Everyday I wake just to praise and glorify a truly amazing God. I pray that each day that turns into each year the love God overflows can be shown in my actions, words, and attitude in daily life. I look back to my life with Jesus and how I wouldn't trade anything for being in Him arms. Thankful doesn't begin to explain my gratitude to my God, his perfect plan, and the small moments where he has taught me the most. To me, the past eight years were just the beginning. The beginning of discovering the world He created. The beginning of a Acts 29 ministry. The beginning of a deep, satisfying relationship. Here is to the next eight and the years to follow that. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

A few of my favorite things

1. Going off Campus As seniors we receive the special privilege of going off campus for lunch. During my fall semester, I hardly ever took advantage of this. Now I try to make it off campus everyday. This and going to spouts for the sandwich special has become one of my new favorites.

2. Popsicles I totally forgot how much I love Popsicles till one of the editors brought a box to yearbook one day. The coolness of a yummy Popsicle is truly unbeatable. It was the best part of my day when the staffers compared the change of color on their tongues.

3. When other people fall I have been known to fall, trip, and stumble from time to time so it's refreshing when my follow clumsy friends take the big fall to the ground. It's nice not to be the only one who trips over nothing while simply walking.

4. Church camp "This one time at church camp.." now that that's out of the way. I love church camp, I compare it to family vacations. This year was my last one and it was one of the best. It was most likely the most calm weekend I've ever had at camp and it was also the perfect get away from the craziness in my life at the moment. It was also strange to think that just four short years ago I was afraid to get into the van to go to my very, first camp. As camp came to a close, it made me more and more sad to know it was my last camp ever. Hopefully, I will be running one of those camps sometime soon.

5. Mini me Meet one of my best friend's little sister, Kendall. I swear this cool kid is trying to be the next Melanie. When I went over to Kaylie's house for our usual Gossip Girl night her sister only did something if I did, had soda if I had soda, and desperately wanted to sit next to me during diner. She actually only put on her PJ's when she saw I had mine on as well. Yes, it's always nice to be admired and copied.

6. Best friend time My best friend Dahlya has a history of being kinda busy. Whether it's travel, school, or auditions Dahlya has a full load. For this reason, when she has a free moment for best friend time I take it. She makes my days better and brighter so spending time with her is a must. Honestly, these past couple weeks she has been the best possible friend ever and every time I spend even a ounce of time with her I become more thankful for her presence in my daily life.

7. Dance parties Every year at church camp we throw a dance party. Last year, it was 80s themed and this year was neon. It got a little crazy and the best part was at the end when all the seniors got into a huge huddle to spend the last song together. My youth group is cool.

Looking back I'm not sure where the past two weeks have gone. I was thinking about it earlier today and I had a lot of fun but my business has consumed me to the point where I don't remember falling asleep. But, I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I was reading my journal the other night and I came across a paragraph I wrote on December 19, 2010, "I feel so lucky sometimes. Even when I'm really stressed I am still loved by God, I still love others, and I am still loved by others. Even when I have a lot of problems going on I am still forgiven. I have faith." This still rings true in my life today. As my best friend once said to me, "Life is too short to be sad about anything."

When you forsake the lives of others you only forsake your own

In Matthew 5:46-47, Jesus speaks on a message that's really been on my heart lately. The bible reads, "⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" To me, that's powerful. What more are am I doing? I can go to church, read my Bible, and check Jesus off my list but how is God's mercy influencing me? For the past three years, I've had a idea to create my own clothing line to help eliminate violence against women. It is truly my biggest dream to be a founder of a non-profit organization and personally, it would be my way of doing more with life and serving others.  Even though, this passion festers in my heart I've found other non-profit organizations that I fully support.

1. Trade as one "Fair trade seeks to transform the lives of poor producers in the developing world by enabling them to use their skills and resources to work their way out of poverty. "

2. Love 146 "The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation."

3. The I-Heart Revolution  "The purpose  is insirpation, awareness and connection."

4. Charity: water "bringing clean, safe drinking water to people in developing nations."

Taking simple steps, such as visiting a couple sites, can be major in the big picture. Buy a t-shirt, get educated, and raise awareness is just the beginning.  I don't claim to know all the answers or be a expect. However, there a lot more I could be doing from my hometown to helping others around the world. So can everyone else. We are all in this together and nothing changes when nothing changes.

The vine, vine dresser, and some fruit.

On the road to improving my life, I make lists. Trust me, I have a ton. On one of my many lists is the new goal to read more novels. So this weekend I started a new book by Hayley DiMarco. After reading the first couple sentences I knew the written words where exactly what I needed to read. The author started out the first chapter with the concept of a vineyard. It's rooted from the passage John 15:1-8. Jesus describes us as branches and Himself as a vine. "When we remain in him we can produce good fruit." Fruit in terms of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. "It's you at your best." This verse got me thinking about my life and the world around me. Everything I do is colored by the fact that I love God. My life isn't how I planned it to be; it's at times messy, untimely, and confusing. I'm on a daily search for hope, patience, and kindness. There are moments where nothing can stop me and times where it feels as if it couldn't get worse. However, what makes a huge difference is that God is vine dresser to my branch. With all this craziness I couldn't do life on my own and trust a God who can. "When life is more than I can bear, God is more than I need." My life does not focus on what others think or do to me but who He is. My life is defined by the simple truth that because of God's love He lives in me to help improve the grow of my fruit. It's unbelievable what picking up a book can do for you and your relationship with Jesus.